depressionI know what it’s like to feel like you have no purpose, like you don’t count in the world. I know what’s its like to feel like you make no contribution big enough to be truly missed, if something were to happen to you. I know what its like to feel bored with life, to feel flat, agitated with everyone around you, like you want to crawl out of your own skin. Some people want to run into the crowd, I’m usually running away. I know what its like when every day feels the same. I know what’s its like to feel trapped, and afraid that nothing will ever change; to feel unappreciated, unheard, unknown and unseen, and to so desperately just want to feel good, proud, happy and whole; needed and loved; and above all to want to feel valued.  I know what’s its like to want more, but to feel simultaneously there is no possible way to have more and then to feel guilty about it, which leads to hopelessness. I know what hopelessness feels like, no choices.

i know what it feels like to look over your days and see no direction, no progress and wonder what difference am i even making? i know what self pity feels like, what jealousy feels like and envy because that’s what i feel when other people have the things i  can’t. Anger,  yup i know about that, shame, powerlessness, disappointment, and I’m a born again Christian! “Lord“, i pray, ” if I’m yours  and this is how i feel, who the heck would want to be a Christian?” What hope is there for a depressed Christian, for an overwhelmed Christian who simply cannot bear any Christian clichés at the moment. I know what it is to need absolute authentic and meaningful dialogue and encouragement.  Where’s Christ when he doesn’t save you from the things that haunt you into despair,  where is He when i am  intoxicated with  uncertainty?  David Brainerd,  the first missionary to native American Indians said, “i am well aware what Christ has done for me, but i still feel a sort of melancholy.” so I’m not totally alone. “Lord, i know what Christ has done for me, i trust him , and please help me not to hang myself today. please keep me sane because i feel like I’m slipping and i can’t go back to the dark place where nothing adds up or makes sense.  Where can one  go to be saved, when one already is saved?  God save me from myself! Perhaps depression is a  predisposition for greatness keeping  men protected from pride but humble enough to accomplish their destiny. Winston Churchill  might agree.

Why do some people seem to  have such clear direction and others seem to be floating in the middle of the open sea treading water, or in the wilderness without a compass. today i have no compass.

Anyhow , i know how it feels. that’s all. i have no answers,  no glue,  no tool belt right now, i just know how it feels. and i also know it doesn’t always feel this way, but it does today. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day, and maybe my whole life is made up of a series of dark nights and bright mornings.  but they don’t obey the laws of nature. Sometimes all my dark nights come in a row. maybe the direction i need most … well maybe i just haven’t found it yet, it doesn’t mean i never will, maybe just not today, or  maybe i need to get lost in the desert every once in a while to remember what really matters.  Maybe God lets me get lost so that i can find my way out just by following his voice.



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