I’ve been battling a bought of depression for about 3 weeks, and just slowly emerging from my cave of insecurities. I have been struggling to pray, it’s as if my lips have been sealed with sorrow and frustration. A constant reminder of how inadequate I feel in life, overwhelmed, outnumbered and defeated. But, I had a light bulb moment: The real desire in my heart is to connect with God.
This joining with Him is a hidden treasure, the pearl of great price, which cancels every debt, fills every need, and drains the flood. Just talking with God releases my burdens and comforts me in a way nothing else can. I long to communicate with him, I long for him, my spirit thirsts for him, the lover of my soul, but I don’t always acknowledge this longing. Rather he is the first one I put off when I’m worried, afraid, stressed or busy. The first appointment I cancel, the last measure I take to find peace. Yet, the only place I truly find peace is in the presence of the Lord.
I find His, the least protected relationship in my life. I can’t always label or define the desire to meet with God and talk, and yet I am absolutely miserable when I don’t. I’m full of joy, and power and faith, and strength when I do. With all this working knowledge why do I still put off prayer as if it’s a tedious obligation instead of the beautiful, intimate, fellowship, which I have often experienced? And not only that, it is with the all-powerful, everlasting gracious compassionate kind and able God of the universe, who works on my behalf, carries my burdens and is to me a tower of victories.
Am I under a spell of forgetfulness? Like the Israelite’s who immediately began to complain that they had no water to drink when they had just seen God command the water and it obeyed! I’m no different, I experience an immeasurable peace in the presence of God, and then I hear something that frightens me, and rather than run back to the one who can actually change the situation I wallow in my fear. Wretched man that I am. What’s my problem?
“Now the serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field, which the Lord God had made…”Genesis 3:1
The serpent is the problem. The one who, with the power of his tongue, has sought from the beginning of time, to steal the power of man’s tongue, so that man does not communicate with God. He was a murderer from the beginning trying to corrupt and destroy and kill our understanding of the father who seeks us out. The serpent attempts to steal and destroy our God given gift and authority to fellowship with God, on earth- he does this through sin and temptation.
“Be on the alert, your adversary the devil prowls about like a roaring lion seeking someone to devour…but resist him firm in your faith.” 1 peter 5:7
Nothing has changed in satan’s economy, since the beginning of time. But God, right now in Jesus name, I’m standing firm in my faith, Lord-change my economy to align with yours. Transform my mind, transform my understanding and my perspective of a holy loving Father who longs to hear me just as deeply as I long to speak and longs to speak with me and engage me. Remind me in Jesus name of my one true desire and need.
“And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden, the Lord called to them, “where are you?” the man said, I heard the sound of thee in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid myself.” Genesis 3
The trees of the garden – Life, knowledge, good evil- these are still the things we hide behind, from the Lord, today, when we are afraid. When we see our frail human traits and characteristics, emotions, dilemma’s and concerns. In some way we convince ourselves that we cannot approach God with our raw, wounded and vulnerable selves.
We don’t experience God with our senses, therefore, He is the easiest one to neglect. God does not operate in the flesh realm-God appeals to our spirits. Therefore we must be sensitive in our spirit to recognize the spirit’s yearning. It’s the spirit which was made in his image and therefore the part of us that is awakened to his voice, and by his voice. The spirit is the part of us which thirsts for his company. God is for us. He is to us a tower of victories.
Lord open the eyes of my heart that I may behold the truth , that I may know and obey the longing of my heart to communicate with you through prayer, practicing your presence, basking in your light and consuming your life. Cause my mouth to declare your praise and my hands to serve and my spirit to grow and increase in size at the sound of your feet walking towards me at the onset of evening. Because I have just understood the real longing of my heart-You.
Let your forbearing spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything with prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God and the peace of God shall Guard your hearts and you