Justified Desires

November, 13 2012

“Memoirs of my Miscarriage”

I want to be alone. I don’t want to talk, or listen. I don’t want to smile or pretend. I don’t want to answer questions that I don’t care about. I don’t want to hear voices, or ask questions. I don’t want to be good or kind or interested. I want to be alone. I want to hear silence, and think and crawl up in my bed even though I’m not tired really enough to sleep. I don’t want anyone to expect anything from me. I don’t want to laugh, or talk about anything. I don’t want to be touched, or hugged, or felt sorry for, don’t want sympathy. I don’t want to express myself or be understood or try to understand. I don’t want to wait, or go or have to be somewhere or something to someone. I don’t want to do anything. I want to sleep, I want to curl up and hide away in a little place. I don’t want to care about anything right now. I just want to be alone. I am not overly sad and depressed, I am not angry, I just want to be. I don’t need anything. I just want to exist. Right now, I don’t want to worry, or fear, or think. I don’t want to say the wrong thing or feel irritated, or do something Ill regret. I want to be neutral, solitude. This is what I want to be right now. I don’t want to pretend or give advice, or guide someone or make excuses, I don’t want to know anything, or see anything, I just want to be alone. I don’t want to give an order, like put your backpack away, or ask out of courtesy are you hungry, I don’t want to get anyone anything, or drive someone somewhere, I don’t want to be criticized, I don’t want to be blamed, I don’t want to break up any arguments, or hear bickering right now. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to think about dinner, or how I am a bad mother for not thinking about dinner I don’t want to go to class, I don’t want to learn right now. I am enjoying the quiet the alone, the dark, the warm, the comfortable. I don’t want someone to tell me I look angry, or ask me If I need a hug, I don’t want to see anyone right now. I don’t want to meet any needs right now. I don’t want people to bombard my silence and penetrate my quiet with their worlds. I want to be alone. I don’t care if I am seen as strong or weak I don’t want to be either, I don’t want to be anything right now, I just want to be. I don’t want to cancel the hair appointment, but I don’t want to go to the hair appointment. I don’t want ot be politically correct or polite or have it together. I don’t want to be gracious. I don’t want to be a friend or a confident or a wife or a daughter, or responsible, I don’t want to be me, or at least theme that tries to be everything to everybody all the time. I don’t want to be judged if I don’t or praised if I do. I don’t want to be thanked or cursed, or intimidated or intimidating. I don’t want to do the dishes, or clean the house, or obey. I want to hide away for a little while from the world which is so demanding and from the me that is so full of expectations and false presumptions. I want to escape everyone’s burning glares and standards and from the world which so often fails me.

One comment

  1. You have captured my feelings on occasion. I just want to be left alone to feel as I want to feel not how I’m suppose to feel. Don’t touch me, talk to me or like me just leave me be. When my feelings are sorted out in myself I’ll come back to reality.

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